Have you ever felt like you go through experiences, and everything is confusing, and cloudy, and you don't understand why you were placed there to go through them, why you are in the place you are, and why you are in certain situations?
For most of my life, actually, scratch that, for all of my life until very recently, I've never been able to see where I fit in. With family, with friends, in school, and just life in general. I don't remember anything much from when I was really young, but starting in Kindergarten, I knew I wasn't like most of the other kids. I was different from a lot of them.
I believed different things than them. I went to church and loved hearing stories from the scriptures, whereas most of my classmates didn't even know what the word "church" was or meant. I didn't talk or use the same language as them. My family was different from their families--my parents didn't fight, smoke, or use profane language around us. I thought that's how all families were.
Throughout school I'd receive awards for being a "Shining Star", and I thought it was a great accomplishment. Instead, kids would pick on me or tease me for being smart. I'd have teachers that wanted me to use my brain power, so they'd send me home with a fun book and extra homework packets to keep me learning and not stagnant. (I loved it by the way, I didn't resent that work!) Again, kids would ask what was wrong with me, or if my teacher didn't like me if she kept sending me home with much more homework than them.
Through the years, I kept getting more and more different from people, or so I thought. I got glasses in second grade, where everyone told me I looked weird, and that I was different looking. Sometimes it'd be so embarrassing that after I'd leave home to go to school, I'd tuck my glasses in my backpack so that people wouldn't make fun of me. But then it's equally embarrassing when you can't tell what the teacher is writing on the board and you can't say the answer to the question you can't read.
My hair got super curly one day in 6th grade, and a lot of my friends didn't like it. Bus rides to and from school were the lowest parts of my day. I'd get on the bus and immediately almost the entire bus would call me names, teasing me by my hair, or that I carried a violin with me, "afro girl", "orch dork", etc. I cried almost every day on the bus or during the walk home from the stop. Now I had super curly hair, glasses, and I was in the "Gifted and Talented" program, as well as Orchestra. If there was any child in the school district with the most nerdy labels, that was me.
However, I found the greatest friends. If we hadn't been in the same Gifted program, I don't know if we'd ever have been friends. I had such low self esteem, I knew I was different from everyone else, and they had all been friends since kindergarten. Thankfully, I found them, and by some miracle, most of us are all still friends and get together to this day.
Even though I had that little friend group through the years growing up, my self esteem had always been horrible, no matter how complimenting my friends were, or how much they said they appreciated me. I took it nicely, but somewhere deep inside of me, those nagging little voices from all those influential years kept crawling back and telling me that they were friends, and were supposed to say something nice--but they didn't have to mean it.
Maybe I was a project to them. Maybe they felt sorry for me.
The two years I spent at BYU-Idaho were quite literally, the best and worst of times. I loved my major, and the people I met in my major and as a few neighbors are still close friends and they helped me be comfortable with living away from home in a new place. Then they left on their missions, and I felt like I just slumped back into being comfortable with mediocre. Which isn't bad--I just wasn't wanting to stand out and be noticed, like I had been when I first got to school.
(This is where the blog gets better, I promise!)
As you know, my very last semester of school at BYU-Idaho was extremely hard on me. I didn't feel like I had any friends, being at my apartment was the last place I wanted to be, and the friends that I did have were either in a different major so we never saw each other, or they were on a mission. I did, however, have one class that I absolutely loved going to. I knew my teacher cared about me, about his whole class, and making sure that we learned the material as well as growing closer to Christ.
I sat at a table the very first day with a few open seats, and got to know the other 5 people as my group for that class. I didn't do much with them, mostly just smiled and had some small talk before and after class, but then I didn't see any of them afterwards. During one of the last weeks of the semester, this girl and I were talking, and after a little bit, we realized that we were both transferring to USU that fall, and surprisingly, to the same major.
That was the day that I met one of the greatest friends I'll ever have, and hopefully continue to have.
That summer, we didn't talk much. In fact, I thought she probably thought I was annoying for trying to talk to her, or see if she was excited for school. So when the new semester started, I told myself not to get my hopes up of being her friend, and just smiling whenever I saw her, and saying hello.
Little did I know that Hillary would change my life, and my views of myself completely.
After the first few weeks of school, Hillary and I did everything together. We tried figuring out the bus system in Logan together, we did homework together, went to class together, and ultimately found out that we got along surprisingly well, and that we were a pretty good team. We went through some hard times, but those experiences built our friendship even stronger, and for the first time in my life, it hit me: someone really cares about me. Besides my family and my best friend, Robyn (and a select handful of people from high school), I hadn't felt that physically in a long time. In my mind though, I guess I had always thought that the above mentioned people loved me and cared about me just because I was around so much. Kind of like a cat. :) They're probably really annoying, but you love them because they are around, and sometimes, they make you laugh.
Throughout this school year, and I don't know how she's managed to help me completely change my perspective on things, Hillary has helped me realize my potential, who I really am, and the kind of person I deserve to end up with. She has really helped me branch out, come out of my shell, and embrace who I am.
And you know what? I absolutely love who I am and what I know I'm capable of accomplishing. And quite honestly, without her, I wouldn't be confident with myself, with knowing I can do hard things, and that I'm able to do so much.
Hillary, thank you. Thank you for being in Logan, at USU, and in the same major as I am. Thank you for loving me the way I am and for helping me (even if you didn't know it) realize what the true meaning of love and loving people for who they are is. Thank you for physically being there for me when times are hard, when my vision of who I'm supposed to be gets blurry or out of focus.
And thank you, for being my friend. Without you, I wouldn't be as confident about how I am--how I look, feel, think, and act. I now realize (or am realizing) what the meaning of true beauty is and how it takes some work and some feeling uncomfortable to help you see yourself as God sees you, not as man or the world sees you.
I hope that whoever reads this can see their potential, their true beauty, and their great friends. The best friends to have in life are the ones who build you up when you're down, help wipe the foggy window when you can't see where to go next, and will tell you the honest truth of things to help you, even when it is hard to hear.
Also, to my friends back home or from Idaho, you are still some of the greatest guiding lights in my life. I have always appreciated you, loved having you as a close friend, and still cherish our friendship. It's hard going away from home and leaving friends and family behind. This post is in no way saying I'm forgetting old friendships or throwing them away. Quite the contrary. While Hillary is physically here in Logan with me, she has helped snap me back into reality and seeing who I really am and who I can become.
And thank you, to all my friends. I love you all, and miss you lots.
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Live. Love. Laugh. Grow.
